I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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