These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
