His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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