nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize