I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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