why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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