god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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