my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This is my gift to your gina
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize