I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
