so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
