Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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