apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
