yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Randomize
