dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
