you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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