oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
