did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
