i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
