life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
