i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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