We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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