I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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