i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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