My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
