I met the friendliest cop last night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
