I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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