Swine flu is the new snow day.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We smell like vodka and hangover
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