why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
