I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
