barbara walters just said penis...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
