apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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