im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
