you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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