i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
