Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
