Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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