i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
