god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize