apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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