I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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