highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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