the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
