I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
even my farts smell like vagina
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
