Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
