Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
