I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
