Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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