its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
