Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
