a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
