Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you didnt know i had herpes?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He passed out mid-signature
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
