Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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