Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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