I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize