Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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