Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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