I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
