Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
