i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
