based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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